Joel, thanks for this wonderful review. As an introvert and cerebral individual, I have a love hate relationship with loneliness, the internet, etc... There are definitely times I prefer to be alone but the internet has also provide forums (such as this one) where people of shared interests can congregate. I have not read either of these but adding them to my list.
Deming draws a helpful distinction between solitude and loneliness that probably applies. I’m also an introvert and definitely like time to myself. But that’s a choice. Solitude is chosen, whereas loneliness is not, and, as Deming says, “no mere force of will can undo it.”
Thank you @Joel J Miller and @Matthew Long for teasing out this distinction. I feel I'm a person who needs a lot of solitude and everything I read right now has made me think that's "wrong" and that I'm not spending time with enough people, or somesuch, when I feel perfectly fine and not lonely at all. Indeed, I feel I could use more intentional solitude than I get. Anyway, it's nice to know there's a difference and that I can return to that idea in my head next time I feel scolded by an article on this topic (which is not to say I don't value time with others--I do! And I also appreciated the measured, thoughtful insights of this article). These books are going on my list, too. Thank you again!
Nov 15, 2023·edited Nov 15, 2023Liked by Joel J Miller
"Familiarity doesn’t breed contempt so much as inattention and neglect. We focus on only the bad, and insist people prove the good from scratch as if their own lives didn’t already testify to the upside."
There's a lot of wisdom in that statement. I'm going to try to keep it in mind as go about my day today.
I've written about my own struggles with loneliness, which I believe are echoes from childhood loneliness. Now, I am objectively not lonely at all, but still those echoes come every now and then.
I worry, however, that acceptance of lonely anguish as a shared human condition can be self-defeating. Shouldn't we combat our loneliness by connecting with people around a shared interest rather than a shared unhappiness?
Yes, I while I think loneliness has its uses—as do many human difficulties—it’s not something we should glumly accept. We should use the pain of isolation to prompt us to reach out and inform how we treat others. I do think there’s benefits to solitude. I for one need some amount of solitude most days to feel like myself. But that’s chosen.
I've never been in a room, whether crowded or empty, that I didn't feel lonely in. I'm definitely going to have to pick up a copy This Exquisitie Loneliness...but I should aos get a copy of How to Know a Person too.
I’m not choosing loneliness. However, I am often lonely. Meaningful relationships are highly valued and rarely found. There is a sense of a profound separation of consciousness. The loneliness is unbearable at times. I can distinguish between solitude and loneliness and solitude is sublime and cherished. Ultimately, I’ve been unwilling to exchange connection for companionship. As I’m writing this, I’m wondering if I’ve been looking for authenticity and been unable or unwilling to be authentic myself. I’m hopeful and I remain open to new relationships.
I am on the same page as Matthew. But i do feel we all look inwards too much. I would suggest some volunteer work, when you see others overcoming odds it puts things in perspective. Life is about others, not just me. Hard to say and follow as an introvert who enjoys a lot of quiet and interact only on a one to one basis:). Great article. Many pauses fir thought from it
I think there’s a lot of truth in that. Sometimes the feelings of isolation are self-imposed and would dissipate if we simply invested our energies and attentions in contributing to others (i.e., volunteer work or other activities).
I think that one contributing factor to loneliness can be found at the societal level, in terms of the common values and themes a particular society practices and that it views as a cultural norm. Specifically, it depends on whether or not that particular society in question values the wellbeing and priorities of the whole of society in general over the individual rights and freedoms.
I feel that societies that place more emphasis on the wellbeing of the whole of society, rather than individual desires and wants, will tend to nurture citizens who're naturally inclined to cooperate and work with one another to solve certain issues, or to pursue certain goals.
Whereas for societies that place more emphasis on the individual's rights and personal freedoms, will tend to nurture citizens who're more focused on themselves, and their personal ambitions and careers.....with less consideration towards the wellbeing or 'greater good' of the whole of society......and thus may not be naturally inclined to interact and collaborate with other citizens, in terms of both general socialization or addressing social issues.
It would seem that in general, Western societies place more emphasis on individual rights and freedoms over the greater good of society, whereas the reverse is true for Eastern societies.
I think that ultimately, a healthy balance between these two aspects are required for a society as well as its individual citizens to thrive and progress. Such a healthy balance in a society would definitely help foster a sense of community and togetherness within its citizens, thus reducing the risk of experiencing such loneliness and feel disconnected.
That’s a valuable insight. Individualist societies—such as the U.S.—probably deal with the downsides like isolation more than more communitarian societies. Meanwhile, individuals in these societies deal with the cost of tradeoffs they had very little hand in shaping.
I purchased This Exquisite Lonliness after reading your review. I finished it just before Christmas. It was an incredibly valuable & helpful book for me to read. I also have How To Know A Person requested at the library.
Joel, thanks for this wonderful review. As an introvert and cerebral individual, I have a love hate relationship with loneliness, the internet, etc... There are definitely times I prefer to be alone but the internet has also provide forums (such as this one) where people of shared interests can congregate. I have not read either of these but adding them to my list.
Deming draws a helpful distinction between solitude and loneliness that probably applies. I’m also an introvert and definitely like time to myself. But that’s a choice. Solitude is chosen, whereas loneliness is not, and, as Deming says, “no mere force of will can undo it.”
That is an important distinction. I get to choose my moments of solitude. Appreciate that insight. I am looking forward to the book.
Thank you @Joel J Miller and @Matthew Long for teasing out this distinction. I feel I'm a person who needs a lot of solitude and everything I read right now has made me think that's "wrong" and that I'm not spending time with enough people, or somesuch, when I feel perfectly fine and not lonely at all. Indeed, I feel I could use more intentional solitude than I get. Anyway, it's nice to know there's a difference and that I can return to that idea in my head next time I feel scolded by an article on this topic (which is not to say I don't value time with others--I do! And I also appreciated the measured, thoughtful insights of this article). These books are going on my list, too. Thank you again!
"Familiarity doesn’t breed contempt so much as inattention and neglect. We focus on only the bad, and insist people prove the good from scratch as if their own lives didn’t already testify to the upside."
There's a lot of wisdom in that statement. I'm going to try to keep it in mind as go about my day today.
I think we’re generally prone to fixate on the negative—even while we’re unconsciously reaping the rewards of all the positive.
Just echoing my own strong and positive reaction to this statement, too. It really jumped out at me! I also want to keep it in mind as long as I can.
Thanks as always for making me think!
I've written about my own struggles with loneliness, which I believe are echoes from childhood loneliness. Now, I am objectively not lonely at all, but still those echoes come every now and then.
I worry, however, that acceptance of lonely anguish as a shared human condition can be self-defeating. Shouldn't we combat our loneliness by connecting with people around a shared interest rather than a shared unhappiness?
Yes, I while I think loneliness has its uses—as do many human difficulties—it’s not something we should glumly accept. We should use the pain of isolation to prompt us to reach out and inform how we treat others. I do think there’s benefits to solitude. I for one need some amount of solitude most days to feel like myself. But that’s chosen.
I've never been in a room, whether crowded or empty, that I didn't feel lonely in. I'm definitely going to have to pick up a copy This Exquisitie Loneliness...but I should aos get a copy of How to Know a Person too.
They do pair surprisingly well together. I feel lucky to have discovered and read them so close to each other.
It's why I love reading books in tandem. It's hard to beat a good book pairing. When two or more books start conversation through the medium of you.
Totally. It’s a wonderful thing.
I’m not choosing loneliness. However, I am often lonely. Meaningful relationships are highly valued and rarely found. There is a sense of a profound separation of consciousness. The loneliness is unbearable at times. I can distinguish between solitude and loneliness and solitude is sublime and cherished. Ultimately, I’ve been unwilling to exchange connection for companionship. As I’m writing this, I’m wondering if I’ve been looking for authenticity and been unable or unwilling to be authentic myself. I’m hopeful and I remain open to new relationships.
I get that. It’s a real trial at times.
I am on the same page as Matthew. But i do feel we all look inwards too much. I would suggest some volunteer work, when you see others overcoming odds it puts things in perspective. Life is about others, not just me. Hard to say and follow as an introvert who enjoys a lot of quiet and interact only on a one to one basis:). Great article. Many pauses fir thought from it
I think there’s a lot of truth in that. Sometimes the feelings of isolation are self-imposed and would dissipate if we simply invested our energies and attentions in contributing to others (i.e., volunteer work or other activities).
I think that one contributing factor to loneliness can be found at the societal level, in terms of the common values and themes a particular society practices and that it views as a cultural norm. Specifically, it depends on whether or not that particular society in question values the wellbeing and priorities of the whole of society in general over the individual rights and freedoms.
I feel that societies that place more emphasis on the wellbeing of the whole of society, rather than individual desires and wants, will tend to nurture citizens who're naturally inclined to cooperate and work with one another to solve certain issues, or to pursue certain goals.
Whereas for societies that place more emphasis on the individual's rights and personal freedoms, will tend to nurture citizens who're more focused on themselves, and their personal ambitions and careers.....with less consideration towards the wellbeing or 'greater good' of the whole of society......and thus may not be naturally inclined to interact and collaborate with other citizens, in terms of both general socialization or addressing social issues.
It would seem that in general, Western societies place more emphasis on individual rights and freedoms over the greater good of society, whereas the reverse is true for Eastern societies.
I think that ultimately, a healthy balance between these two aspects are required for a society as well as its individual citizens to thrive and progress. Such a healthy balance in a society would definitely help foster a sense of community and togetherness within its citizens, thus reducing the risk of experiencing such loneliness and feel disconnected.
That’s a valuable insight. Individualist societies—such as the U.S.—probably deal with the downsides like isolation more than more communitarian societies. Meanwhile, individuals in these societies deal with the cost of tradeoffs they had very little hand in shaping.
Thanks for these well expressed reviews. The loneliness and tribal
(“Political “) epidemic is basic to everyone’s well being and this country’s survival.
Thanks, Joel. My pleasure!
I purchased This Exquisite Lonliness after reading your review. I finished it just before Christmas. It was an incredibly valuable & helpful book for me to read. I also have How To Know A Person requested at the library.